The Laughing Toastmaster

The Laughing Toastmaster: Green Room Gossip

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Green Room Gossip - Sonia Aste

As Toastmasters we visit a lot of Green Rooms doing public speaking. Personally, I’d prefer if they were white and padded (especially before an important gig), but at this point in my ‘thriving’ public speaking career, I’m just glad there’s a ROOM.

After being squeezed into corridors, cubbyholes, and janitor’s closets (it’s amazing how little space mops take), I can boast there’s a Green Room. And toilet paper in the Ladies’ Room! Success at last!

Now let’s not confuse ‘Green Room’ with the evergreen section in your local Garden Centre. A Green room is defined as: ‘A room in which speakers can relax before and after they perform on stage’. ‘Relax’ is not exactly the word I would use. More like, ‘She’s hyperventilating, looks like she’s going to pass out’!

I didn’t, but it was close. Where’s a brown paper bag when you need one? Plastic bags won’t do. You’ll not only hyperventilate but asphyxiate and die. Plenty of time to do that on stage.

I like Green Rooms. They remind me of my true love: chocolates. They come in all shapes and sizes and bigger is definitely better.

Take the last corporate event I did. The Green Room was a huge seminar suite filled with posters praising the benefits of hard work:

  • WORK and MAKE IT HAPPEN!
  • No Shortcuts: WORK FOR IT!
  • WORK HARD! Get AHEAD!

Very inspirational. I must remember to follow them one day.

For quirky Green Rooms, the winner has to be a B&B room in York, annexed to the conference room we were performing in. One speaker took a shower, the Keynoter took a nap, and I took all the biscuits. Hey they were free!

Close second is a Curry House in Birmingham, hired for an office party award ceremony. The Green Room was beside the kitchen. I wasn’t exactly on top of the stove but close enough to go on stage smelling like Chicken Dopiaza. Turned out the audience went ballistic and wanted more and more! Curry.

My personal favourite? A large brewery near Chicago. Was it the tank’s reflexion that made all the speakers shine? Or the fact the audience was doubly intoxicated due to what I call ‘alcohol osmosis’?

Green Rooms have rules too. As far as I know these remain unwritten, so for the benefit of all you rookies out there (in public speaking that means anyone with less than 101 years’ experience):

  1. Don’t be a jerk… but be prepared to meet a few.
  2. Avoid asking ‘Is this the Green Room?!’ With a smirk on your face. Go back to point 1.
  3. Don’t brownnose the event organizer … too much. A little ‘mocha’ nosing is expected, but most people will see through ‘You’re the best person in the world!!’ And those who don’t are best avoided.
  4. Fans and groupies are not allowed in the Green Room. My grandmother is in Spain so not a problem for me.
  5. Don’t be greedy. The organizer has kindly put out drinks and refreshments for ALL the speakers. Taking the Gin and Vodka bottles home is not cool. Plus, I have yet to be invited back to that specific event.
  6. Be nice to the host/MC. They have the power to introduce you as: ‘We believe in giving new public speakers a chance, I’ve never seen her before … so anything goes’…
  7. Don’t believe speakers that boast about how they have won all the speaking competitions in the world, especially if you’re performing in the cafeteria of an accounting firm in Sunderland. (See point 8).
  8. Do boast that YOU have won a Toastmasters’ speech competition as the name of our organization carries a lot of clout. Never mind it was third place at club level and there were only three speakers.
  9. Don’t say, ‘You really bombed!’ to the Key-Note Speaker (even if it’s true). Don’t be tempted to give them an evaluation (even if they really need it). Do say ‘Have you thought of joining Toastmasters’?

And finally,

  1. If you have an issue with any of these rules – ignore them like I do.

Sonia Aste is a Harvard MBA, Engineer, MEng, writer, public speaker, and comedian. She’s a Toastmaster at Riverside Communicators Club
More from Sonia on her website, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram

The Laughing Toastmaster: The Geeky Feminist

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The Laughing Toastmaster: The Geeky Feminist Who says the age of miracles is past? Here’s one for you: I’m a GEEK! Me, the woman who has spent her life trying to be ‘cool’ but always ends up with parsley stuck between her teeth. Last week I successfully completed an after-dinner speech at an IT conference, making me … Read more

The Laughing Toastmaster: What They Don’t Tell You About the D91 Conference

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When Rakhi Jain (conference PR) suggested I write an article on, ‘Why Attend the D91 Conference’ I was all for it! At the same time, I thought, ‘Shouldn’t she ask someone who’s a bit more Toastmasterly?’ And by that, I mean people who say things like, ‘Everybody’s a Winner!’ Not a bitter person like me who thinks, ‘If everybody is a winner, why didn’t I even PLACE?‘ and starts to cry?

But then I realized these Toastmasters are too busy doing Toastmasterly things, like TED Talks, or travelling to far-away lands to get photographed with their Toastmaster magazines.

So, you’re stuck with me, which isn’t such a bad thing. Who better to convince you to go to the conference than someone who’s prepared to tell you what nobody else will?

Let’s start with the Evaluation Contest, in which one courageous speaker gives a speech and then waits for ten contestants to tear it to pieces (I mean analyse it thoroughly and thoughtfully) and provide constructive feedback.

Under these circumstances you’d think first prize would go to the speaker for their bravery. Not the case. Another set of evaluators (called ‘the judges’) evaluate the evaluators evaluating and decide on ‘BEST EVALUATOR’. Besides being a terrifying tongue twister, it begs the ultimate evaluators’ question, ‘Who judges the judges?’

Next up are the Workshops, not to be confused with pawnshops, which is where I ended up in order to buy the ticket (cost of living crisis and all that).

Workshops are divided into two main categories, EDUCATIONAL and INSPIRATIONAL, below some excellent examples:

EDUCATIONAL

  • Using Storytelling to do your Tax Returns
  • Learning When to SHUT UP (reserved for advanced Toastmasters)
  • Overcoming Procrastination (usually postponed)

INSPIRATIONAL

  • If You Can’t Convince Them, Confuse Them.
  • When One Door Closes, Pick The Lock
  • Why Toastmasters make good lovers (always oversubscribed with a massive waiting list)

Then there’s the Keynote Speaker, who usually features as the headliner of the event. Now, in most conferences around the world, the keynote speaker is a smashing success! An outstanding communicator! A worthy conference headliner!

But this is Toastmasters.

And what the keynote speaker does not realize is that their world-renown-speech is being scrutinized, analysed and evaluated by every single Toastmaster attending. We can’t help ourselves, it’s part of our DNA! In fact, I would argue the keynote speech should be followed by an evaluation, if only to make the speech even better? Just my opinion.

This leads to the most important event of the conference, The International Speech Contest, which alone is worth the family silverware I had to pawn.

This is the Superbowl of Speakers! The Cricket Cup of Communicators! The Olympics for Orators! And like in the Olympics, these outstanding speakers have faced huge hurdles to get to this point: CLUB, AREA and DIVISION levels. They now face the DISTRICT, which is not so much a hurdle but more like a POLE VAULT, the stakes are so high!

Because of all the years you would want to reach the World Championships, this is the one to do it, as the event will be taking place in beautiful Nassau! Imagine! A beach combo of sizzling sun, sea, sand, sex, speeches and speakers!

But we’re not there yet, and while the more Toastmasterly folk from D91 will be saying, ‘May the best speaker win’, I’m cheering,  ‘May my club member win!’

Finally, there’s the Gala Dinner. An opportunity to relax with fellow Toastmasters while enjoying a delicate meal and drinking responsibly. Ha, ha! Wishful drinking. More like skipping the meal and hitting the booze for a decadent-debauched-downright-degenerate-all-nighter!

If you think this is some kind of joke, it’s not. This year the conference title is ‘Inspiring Futures’ and the gala dinner is sure to inspire all kinds of shenanigans and  over the top fun! Not to mention the perfect opportunity to practice what you learned in the Lover’s Workshop:

Why do Toastmasters make good lovers? They practice body language, know about pace and rhythm and get to the point.

I won’t go into any more detail, because as every Toastmaster worth their speech knows,

‘What happens in the Toastmasters Gala stays in the Toastmaster Gala’.

See ya there!

Sonia Aste is an engineer, writer and comedian. She’s a Toastmaster and member at Riverside Communicators Club.
More from Sonia on her website, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram

The Laughing Toastmaster: The Flippin’ Forecast

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What’s another name for the Four Seasons? A day in the UK!

Ha, ha!  I have to laugh! Until a sunny spring day turns to winter in Siberia. Then it’s not so funny.

Not when I’m wearing a cotton dress and get to Toastmasters feeling like I’ve just trekked through the Himalayas. Then it’s not funny at all. I check my toes for frostbite.

Weather in the UK is very unpredictable. Experts say it’s due to, ‘Cold polar air from the north and warmer air from the Tropics pushing against each other’.

Uh oh, that sounds evil. Sounds like my life. One day I’ll be going through a warm, sunny patch of life, when all of a sudden, ‘CRACK! BOOM!’ and it’s dark clouds and stormy times ahead. No way to see that coming.

At least with the weather, we have the forecast:

6 o’clock News & Weather: ‘Sunshine and showers, chance of mist, possible fog.’  Translation: Haven’t a clue.

8 o’clock News & Weather: ‘Heavy rains, chance of hail or snow, possible spring like day.’ Still don’t have a clue.

10 o’clock News & Weather: ‘Sunshine and showers, chance of hail, sleet and any other type of precipitation known to mankind. Possible meteorite.’ Let’s cover our backs.

Confused, I search the internet, ‘Possible clear skies for many, turning increasingly cloudy across some areas. Chance of rain in the North’.

Possible? Chance? What happened to good old-fashioned percentages? As in ‘80% chance of rain?’ Am I part of the many? Do I live in some areas? Is Northampton the North?

Bewildered, I ask THE LOCALS.  They all say the same thing ‘The weather forecast? Oh, they never get it right’.

Wait a minute … did you say never? Never as in … ever? Why not?

What kind of professional never gets it right? Imagine a judge that ‘never gets the verdict right’, or a surgeon, ‘fails those operations every time’.

I worked in the IT industry, got it wrong ONE time and was fired quicker than you can say ‘we’ll weather the weather whatever the weather’.

What’s going on? Why are these people getting away with it? Come annual reviews, what are their managers telling them? ‘Don’t worry, the important thing is you tried’?

Call me naïve but surely in the land that gave birth to Alan Turning (World War II code decipherer and father of computer science) breaking the weather code should be a breeze?

Sensing my despair, a wise Toastmaster informs me of a FORECAST that is a rock among forecast. A timeless British institution, loved and revered around the world for its smooth sounding rhythm, clarity of words and knowledge.

I tune in with joyful anticipation:

THE SHIPPING FORECAST

‘Viking North Utsire South Utsire Southeast 4 or 5 increasing or 7 veering south 4 or 5 later, occasional, losing identity, good with fog patches becoming moderate or poor.’

Now that’s flippin’ phenomenal, but gets us nowhere in this forecast fumble!

What to do? Follow the forecast and risk frostbite? Rely on my neighbour’s arthritis acting up for possible rain? Dog’s barking for a fast-approaching blizzard? Postmen wearing shorts for hot weather? Scratch the last one, British postmen wear shorts in the dead of winter.

More importantly, what to do about life? Because if we can’t even work out the weather, what are the chances of forecasting when life will hit us with dark, devastating storms? As in, breakups, failed promotions, not even placing in that speech contest.

That’s where Toastmasters comes in, because our organization provides the knowledge and resilience to be able to get through the toughest of times. Let’s face it, if you can stand in front of a group of people and give a speech, you can face life’s harshest hurricanes.

A club member once said that Toastmaster comes with a protective umbrella that helps you through life. I disagree. I think it gives you the skills needed to cast that umbrella aside and face life’s challenges with the courage and resilience of our Toastmaster spirit.

Whether life be fine, Or whether life be not,

Whether life be cold, Or whether life be hot,

We’ll weather life’s weather, Whatever the weather,

Cause we’re Toastmasters, are we not?

Sonia Aste is an engineer, writer and comedian. She’s a Toastmaster and member at Riverside Communicators Club.
More from Sonia on her website, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram

The Laughing Toastmaster: Call for Law Banning ‘Salescism’

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Legislation would make it mandatory to befriend salespeople

Having worked in corporate sales longer than The Lion King’s run in the West End, I still experience the sting of discrimination caused by ‘salescism’.
‘Sneaky salespeople’, ‘Bunch of crooks’ and ‘Annoying loudmouths’, are just some of the hurtful things people say without realizing the devastating consequences it has on us sales folk. The feeling of loneliness (no one wants to be your friend) and low sales-esteem can last a lifetime.

Now that I’m self-employed, selling is still an integral part of my life. Unfortunately, salescism has crippled me so much that even motional phrases like, ‘Don’t be small make that call’ make me bawl.
I’m not alone. Statistics show salescism (defined as: prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against salespeople on the belief that your job is superior), impacts 100 in every 100 salespeople. Stats not accurate. Like a true sales gal, I made them up.

Now you may think this has nothing to do with you. Maybe you’re the kind of person who’s never had to sell because the clients come to you (in which case you’re probably a drug dealer). For the rest of us, whether you’re selling ideas, services or ourselves (dating is the ultimate sell), nothing can shield you from the stigma of salescism.
Things are so bad we use covert language like, ‘Shall we explore the possibility of collaborating together?’. We feel the need to use encrypted job titles to hide our true identity:

• Business Development Manager (new sales)
• Key account manager (big clients but take tiny too)
• Account Manager (anything from serving coffee to whatever it takes)

Unlike secretaries who rediscovered themselves as ‘PAs’ (and are now allowed to look miserable and not help), these new sales titles have done nothing for us except make clients distrust us even more! After all, you wouldn’t want your plumber to be called ‘pipe dreamer’.

In Toastmasters it’s no different. Terrified of being called ‘salesy’ or ‘pushy’ we use phrases like, ‘Let’s publicize Toastmasters to the public’ or ‘We need to inform guests about our benefits’.
When one club advertised their open house as ‘Pizza & Toastmaster Night’, it wasn’t called a ‘fantastic sales idea’ (which it was!), but a ‘prudent marketing initiative’. Toastmasters is such an outstanding organization we shouldn’t be ashamed of selling its benefits, but proud of doing so! Sadly, salecism gets in the way.

When confronted, ‘salescists’ deny any wrong doing and claim history is full of dodgy salespeople. They have a point. Starting with the great car manufacturer and ultimate sales guy Henry Ford who said, ‘Customers can have a car painted any color they want … as long as it is black’, giving all car salesmen a terrible reputation.
Then ‘The Godfather’ comes along with the most effective (if extreme) sales pitch, ‘I will make you an offer you can’t refuse’. Trust me clients don’t take kindly to such drastic negotiation techniques.
Even the late Steve Jobs said, ‘Get closer to your customers, so close that you tell them what they need before they realize it’. With all due respect isn’t that Machiavellian manipulation coupled with serious stalking?
OK, so maybe we haven’t exactly been a ‘beacon of morality’, but like any convict that’s done his time, don’t we deserve a second chance?

Anti-salescism lobbies around the world are calling for legislation to tackle the problem by suing salecists who make inappropriate comments and refuse to make friends with salespeople.
And it shouldn’t stop there. It needs to be written into employment laws sales people must be invited to social events, even if that means installing quotas to overcome centuries of oppression.
Sales people are cautiously optimistic. ‘Society has a negative perception of sales people’ says Jim (not his real name), who has kept his real job hidden from his family for decades. ‘My parents are very proud of me. They think I’m a dentist’.

New laws would make it mandatory to invite us to weddings, christenings, bar mitzvahs and anniversaries. Music to my ears as these events are ideal places to bombard unsuspecting guests with interactive business cards. I can’t wait!

In the meantime, if you’re still not a Toastmaster, ‘Let me inform you of the multiple benefits of joining’.

Sonia Aste is an engineer, writer and comedian. She’s a Toastmaster and member at Riverside Communicators Club.
More from Sonia on her website, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram