The Laughing Toastmaster

The Laughing Toastmaster: Evaluating Saint Valentine’s Day

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It’s Valentine’s Day! Millions of couples are celebrating their love for one another and millions of Hallmark sales reps are celebrating their commissions. I’ve heard flower shops rake in their biggest yearly profit, only surpassed by Mother’s Day and Pet Day (April 11th).

The whole thing is a grossly commercialized marketing ploy, aimed at poor souls who think that buying and receiving gifts is a kind of “love insurance”. It’s a disgraceful manipulation of insecure imbeciles.

Like me.

C’mon folks, what’s wrong with a little self-delusion? What’s wrong with thinking that love is like an Oyster card that can be “topped up” on Valentine’s Day? A little credit so you don’t go “contactless”? Is it so bad to ask “The Boyfriend” (yes, he exists) for the card, flowers and chocolates? Of course, the chocolates will grow old and mouldy, as I’m too terrified of getting fatter and The Boyfriend leaving me. Insecure? You bet! I need Valentine’s Day!

I’m not alone. Studies show that in the run-up to Valentine’s our mating rituals go into a fast-forward-frenzy as dating profiles are desperately updated:

NOT CHOOSY

Sense of humour turned to a sense of urgency

Anyone BREATHING

Speed Dating breaks the sound barrier by skipping stupid introductions and going for the efficient, “Will you love me? Yes, or no?” Talk about hard gigs. Singletons suffer from bleeding fingertips due to so much swiping and servers crash as thousands log into “Lastminute-Date-Com”.

Many don’t agree with having just one day. They want to say “I love you” all year and give gifts whenever their heart feels like it. Truth be told if The Boyfriend said, “I love you” constantly and sent flowers at random I’d be suspicious. My uncle Alberto gave my aunt Carmen (not their real names) diamond earrings on a non-specific day saying, “I don’t need a date to celebrate our love”. Ten years later we find out he has another family in Seville and ‘her’ diamond earrings are bigger.

Just stick to Valentine’s Day thank you very much.

Others think that St. Valentine’s is too sugary sweet and that real love is tough, enduring and hard work. They have a point. Take The Boyfriend and I. We spent lockdown together and after a couple of weeks “couples time” felt like we were doing time. Or my first marriage, which was like the pandemic. I kept thinking, “It’s gonna get better, it’s gonna get better”… it never did.

This is why I suggest a “St. Daniel’s Day”, the patron saint of courage, fortitude and hard work. Card messages would reveal the more imperfect side of love & relationships:

From bedroom eyes to, “I’ve got conjunctivitis, can you help me with the drops?” Be my Valentine.

Even if the biggest cries of YES! YES! YES! are while we play scrabble, I love you.

For watching me go through food poisoning and hugging a toilet all day … then still loving me, I’m yours forever.

SONIA-ASTE
Sonia Aste

And why stop there? Why not have a lovey-dovey day for us, Toastmasters? After all, isn’t our organization where ‘LOVERS are made’? Sorry, I meant LEADERS … although many would argue that our skills bring confidence to “all areas of our lives”.

Plus, having been brought up a Catholic, I happen to know that our saints are like flowers, there’s one for every occasion!

Bring on “St. John Chrysostom Day”, the patron saint of public speakers! Legend says it took him twelve years before he got the nerve to give a speech. This was back in 347ce when there were no Toastmasters to guide him and speed up the process.

St. John Chrysostom’s Day would provide an outlet to express our love in a more Toastmasterly way. Hallmark cards would be filled with messages like:

Thanks to Toastmasters, I had the courage to speak up! I love you.

7 minutes? That’s just for speeches. My love is forever.

If we had a timekeeper for our love, it would always be red hot!

Well, it’s time to LOVE you and leave you, but not before confessing the Toastmasterly message I’ll be sending to “The Boyfriend”:

You’re my CCC: commend, commend, commend. Be my Valentine.

——— Sonia Aste is a Toastmaster who needs Valentine’s Day. She is a member of the Riverside Communicators Club.
——— More from Sonia on her website, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram

The Laughing Toastmaster: No More January Blues!

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Here’s Your Happiness Booster

I love January! It’s my favourite month of the year, providing me with endless hours of joy and happiness, without even having a drink. Although I do drink. I leave ‘Dry January’ in the Sahara Desert, where it belongs.

And no, I have not relocated to sunny Australia (where it’s summer and everyone is hot). I live in miserable London, where January resembles a bowl of old porridge; cold and grey, with a thick skin of despair forming over it.

I wasn’t always this jubilant. In the past, I too believed in the sanctity of ‘The January Blues’. Its arrival would have me moaning, head spinning and green projectile vomiting (think Linda Blair in the EXORCIST), after being possessed by the ‘non-stop food and alcohol consumption’ demon.

This was not a good look. Certainly not for a Toastmaster! January is one of the most important months in our calendar year! We welcome our new members, meet and mentor our mentees, mitigate our mentors’ mammoth motivations and manage and maximize our meetings. It’s up to us to create a happy, positive environment where there’s no room for burdensome, bothersome blues.

What to do? Well, my life changed when my German grandmother (Oma) took pity on me and disclosed the secret of transforming January into a Danish Hygge (concept of cosines), with a tiny Teutonic touch.

All one has to do is follow three simple steps during this long winter month:

  1. Eat apple strudel.
  2. Read the German classics (OK, maybe skip this one).
  3. Avoid comparisons. Unless they bring you joy.

Whatever you think of the Germans (I think they’re terrific!), no other nation has taken so much time and energy exploring the nature of the human spirit. (*) Hence my Oma’s advice.

Feeling guilty because you’ve drunk too much? In fact, it’s January the 15th and you’re still drinking? Don’t fret! I wait for recycling day and take a peek at my neighbour’s empty bottles and count: prosecco (12), wine (10), vodka (3), plus so many beers I lose track. Yuppie!! Some people really have a drinking problem! Better open that Rioja bottle to celebrate!

Does your body look like something out of ‘SWAMP THING’ the movie? Mine does. I’m wearing loungewear (a.k.a. old baggy sweats) because nothing else fits! Do I panic and go on one of those stupid detox diets? Of course not. Instead, I google the adorably successful MICHELIN MAN and think, ‘Curves are Cool’! As for my cellulite? Well, I always wanted dimples.

You’re broke. Skint, wiped, ruined, in the red, NO DINERO. Even the ‘Save The Dolphin’ card refused your application.

Sonia Aste wearing red hat

This situation used to drive me into a frenzied shopping spree that would leave me even more in debt and feeling terribly guilty. Thanks to my Oma’s advice, I now shop like I have millions! Because guess what? It’s not MY PROBLEM anymore! As any banker will tell you (trust me, I was a banker):

‘If you owe a small amount of money, you worry about the bank.’

‘If you owe a copious amount of money, the bank worries about you!’

As the old saying goes, ‘You can’t take it with you’ and that includes debt.

Over Christmas, you realize everyone else is better off? Hear, hear! My older sister has just bought her second home, my little sister is in the Bahamas and my brother’s third book on surfing has just been published. I was the one that told him he should write the first one! Does he remember? So I can get some royalties? Nope. Not even a, ‘THANK YOU SISTER I OWE YOU MY LIFE’.

Do I mope, blame it on January and fall into a deep depression? No, I do not. What I do is drive to a ‘Welcome Break’ (those along the M1 are my personal favourites) and watch the world go by. Parents fighting, children screaming, grandparents staring aghast, horrified at what they’ve created. It’s a glorious reminder that compared to many a soul in the human race – I’m winning!

Finally, are you freezing cold? Call someone in Scotland and you’ll feel delightfully euphoric and radiantly warm!

In January, follow my Oma’s advice. Because you’re a winner!

 

(*) For almost 400 years, the German novel has used everything from history to philosophy to explore the nature of the human spirit.

 

——— Sonia Aste is a Toastmaster who loves January. She is a member of the Riverside Communicators Club.
——— More from Sonia on her website, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram

The Laughing Toastmaster: Catching the Christmas Spirit

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Christmas can be many things, a cozy family gathering, a delicious meal, too much boozy punch and even getting that expensive cashmere jumper you always wanted. (OK, I bought it for myself but it still counts).

Now ‘Christmas Spirit’ is another story. When people talk about the Christmas Spirit, I get anxious. I know they’re on to something that is innately good and special and wonderful. Something I’m supposed to have… but don’t. So instead, I get annoyed, killing whatever Christmas Spirit I had left.

Don’t get me wrong, I delve into December with the fervor of an elf on Red Bull. I write traditional paper cards (for those I love), send ecards (for the rest), ‘prepare’ Xmas pudding (I recommend Tesco’s Finest) and stock up on wine. Ask me to add ‘A little Christmas Spirit’ and I reach for the Rosé.

Take Christmas Crackers, for example. A fun way to break the ice and have a laugh, except if you lose. I’m so jealous I wait for everyone to get drunk to steal the little gifts. Don’t judge me. Who doesn’t want a miniature screwdriver?

Then there’s Advent Calendars. I give my four-year-old niece a chocolate one, so that every day she can enjoy a little treat. Unfortunately, her mum (beautiful, healthy sister) doesn’t approve and replaces the chocolates with raisins. No wonder the younger generations are growing up angry and depressed!

Sonia Aste Chirstmas Spirit

Christmas Gifts are another problem. We’re supposed to immerse ourselves in the joy of giving. Never mind my aunt Alicia always gives me, ‘The Thought That Counts’. It’s my lack of Christmas Spirit that makes me want to scream ‘You’re loaded! Buy presents you cheapskate!’

Christmas Trees aren’t so bad. I decorate my little conifer with love and attention. It looks great and I feel really happy, until I see my neighbor’s tree which looks fit for the Royal Albert Hall. A furious fit of ‘Tree Envy’ leads to ‘Tree Rage’ and I want to chop my tree for firewood. Where’s an ax when you need one?

Finally, Christmas Carols. Remember when we sang them with joy and abandon? Now we join in with timid trepidation, as most of them are considered non-PC.

  • ♫♫♫ Frosty the Snowman (should be snow-person).
  • ♫♫♫ Santa Claus is coming to town, he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake (assault on our civil liberties).
  • ♫♫♫ I’m dreaming of white Christmas (has to change to ‘I’m dreaming of a rainbow-coloured Christmas’, just to be on the safe side).

Family and friends go around with big, generous smiles saying things like ‘Isn’t it wonderful? It’s the Christmas Spirit! So catchy! It’s going around!’

Going around? Like the coronavirus? Because I’m double jabbed and getting the booster jab to boot. Has the vaccine made me immune to catching the Spirit too? Or does this virus-like-spirit take one look at me and says ‘Waste of time … too mean spirited’.

I realize that as a Toastmaster this is not the correct attitude to have! I should be a leader! A motivator! Someone who should be spreading the Christmas Spirit with the joy and happiness it deserves!

Caught up in this corrosive Christmas confusion, I decide to search for expert professional advice (as in, I google it) and the answer is simple! All you have to do is ‘tap into your inner child’! Now last time I tapped into anything (my savings) it drew a blank, but why not give it a go? I can create my own brand of Christmas Spirit by recalling what made me happy as a child!

So, if you’re someone who has yet to catch that spiteful spirit, don’t wait around! Take a hands-on approach like me. Here’s my list to get you started.

#CatchChristmasSpirit  

  1. Put a star on top of the Christmas tree – with your photo!
  2. Start the Christmas toast by saying, ‘I don’t want this to be all about me’, then make it all about you! You! You! You!
  3. Get yourself a chocolate advent calendar and eat all the chocolates the same day!
  4. Forget Santa, write a Xmas list to yourself and buy everything in it.
  5. Early Christmas morning shout at the top of your voice, ‘WAKE UP EVERYONE! LET’S OPEN THE PRESENTS!’

Because when it comes to Christmas, ‘You don’t have to be a kid to act like one’.

Merry Christmas!

——— Sonia Aste is a Toastmaster working on her personal brand of Xmas Spirit. She is a member of the Riverside Communicators Club.
——— More from Sonia on her website, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram

The Laughing Toastmaster: Winning isn’t everything. There’s losing too.

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Like many of you, I believe that entering contests is about challenging yourself, no matter the outcome. As the experts say, ‘The biggest person you compete with is yourself’.

Ha ha ha… Did I just write that? Ha ha ha!

If that were true, it would be only ME participating in the contest, judged by ME and I’d crown ME the winner. Congratulations ME!

Imagine Mo Farah breaking his marathon record, doing his signature move in front of a mirror and saying, ‘Good job Mo! Keep this to yourself’.

Come on folks! Let’s get real here. Competing is about testing our skills against others to see if we are the best. I’m usually not. The best I mean. Sometimes I’m the worst.

Don’t get me wrong, I follow the noble strategy of ‘doing my best’, the problem is everybody else is ALSO doing their best, and their best is often better than my bestest best! Tongue twisters aside, I usually lose, which hurts and is quite embarrassing, as anyone who’s lost at cards to their own child will tell you.

All my readers out there (who by the way are 100% winners – just reading this makes you one), may be asking WHY I lose so much.


Well, my mum (mother hen) says, ‘Those judges don’t know anything! Don’t they know my daughter is wonderful?’

My Dad on the other hand, (PhD, engineer, mathematician) says it’s down to statistics, in other words the detailed analysis of past events. He reminds me that most competitors lose. In fact, EVERYONE that enters a contest (except for one) loses, because there can only be one winner. From the Oscars to the Olympics to the World Ironing Championships (very pressing), you need a lot of losers.

This is something contest organizers want you to forget. After all, they can’t really say ‘We have a winner! The rest are a bunch of losers!’ NO. That would be very bad for PR.  So inevitably they fail to mention this small (but fundamentally true) fact and go for the ‘don’t worry, be happy’ lingo. Also known as ‘Make sure those losers don’t start crying’. Again, bad for PR.

‘Everyone is a winner!’  Really? Then why isn’t everyone receiving first prize?

‘I wouldn’t want to be a judge!’ Actually, I would LOVE to be a judge. I’d vote for myself and win!

‘It was so close!’ No, it wasn’t. Otherwise it would have been a tie.

‘It’s all about enjoying the experience.’ If I was seeking enjoyment, I’d be in the bar drowning myself in a martini. Or two. Or three.

Which is where I end up after they announce, ‘…and the winner is…’ not me. Didn’t even place.

It’s not fair! After all that hard work! The fact is, contests aren’t always fair. The competitor who spends hours and hours preparing and deserves to win doesn’t, while the one with the smug smile who always takes first prize, wins. Again.

Which begs the question, why compete at all? Why not just cut out the ‘middle man contest’ and head straight for the bar?

Why compete? Because you can. There are only so many contests you can enter. For example, I’d love to race against Mo Farah but that’s unlikely to happen, not least because people say I run like a toddler, including arms in the air when I’m happy. I’d also like to compete for the Nobel Peace Prize, but I haven’t done anything peaceful lately.

The second reason for competing has to do with my Dad’s statistics. As he frequently reminds me, ‘If you don’t compete, there is only one chance at winning, and that is NO chance’.

Finally, why compete? Because as Toastmasters, we are not bystanders. The best this journey has taught me is that when it comes to life’s opportunities, never hesitate, participate.

Now if you will excuse me, I’m off to practice my winning (?) speech.

——— Sonia Aste, Riverside Communicators Club
——— She will be competing in the next Toastmasters’ contest. Her mum thinks she’ll win, ‘Unless those judges don’t know anything’.
——— More from Sonia on her website, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram