I still have a massive hangover. It’s not my fault! I didn’t invent the ‘All-You-Can-Drink-Marathon’ that sums up December. Yes, I drank too much, ate like an ‘oink-oink’ and spent so much money on ‘auto-gifts’ (gifts for myself) that Santa charged me for excess baggage.
How did this happen?! I’m a Toastmaster! I’m supposed to have self-control, self-discipline…some willpower? Well, I don’t. It appears my will power reserves are as empty as my bank account.
Now before you raise your eyebrows in polite disapproval, let me state that I was not alone. Millions of people around the world partied so hard it made Bacchus look like a teetotaller. Who can blame us? There is so much NOT to look forward to. The climate crisis, the cost-of-living crisis, the not-over-yet-corona-crisis. Even those who don’t like alcohol (due to some deficiency in their DNA) had a drink!
As they say, ‘Escapism is best served with a MOJITO’.
But all good escapisms must come to an end and it’s time to face depressing, dreary, downcast January. I’m miserable! My dog’s miserable! Everyone’s miserable! Even positive people (aren’t they exhausting?) are going around with smiles as fake as my Gucci bag.
Why is it that on the gloomiest month of the year we decide to start resolutions? Surely that’s not good for our wellbeing. Recent studies show that only 2% of people who made New Year’s resolutions are successful! So, on top of feeling miserable, 98% of us will also end up feeling like total failures. It’s enough to drive you to drink! Except one of the main NYR is not to drink!
In fact, the top 4 most common resolutions are:
- Exercise More
- Lose Weight
- Drink Less
- Live Life to the Fullest
And there lies the problem! NYR are incompatible! Because dragging yourself to a swampy, sweaty gym, eating kale and quinoa (yuck!) and drinking H2O in pure form is certainly NOT living life to the fullest. It’s Living Life to the Dullest.
What can we do? Well, I’ve done some research and if you take a look at the five billion self-help books out there, watch the three trillion TED Talks and pay the £1000 an hour life coaches, they all say the same thing. If you want to achieve fulfilment and happiness, you have to accept yourself as you are. You need to say:
I AM ENOUGH.
Wow! Is that all?? What a relief! It’s not me that has to change! It’s other people who are NOT ENOUGH that need to take on those New Year Resolutions.
And who are these people? Well, I’m sure you all have your favourites, but here are my top 10 (in no particular order).
NYR for those who are NOT ENOUGH
- OFFSHORE ACCOUNT HOLDERS: will deport themselves to their respective off-shores until they do the honourable thing and start paying taxes here.
- TRAFFIC WARDENS: will add a 5 second grace period before issuing a parking ticket.
- MYSOGENIST: will be required to wear pantyhose. Forever.
- SOMMELIERS: will stop asking me to do their job by tasting the wine. Save me the embarrassment of saying, ‘ahhh … lovely’ without knowing what I am taking about.
- DENTISTS: will stop charging an arm and a leg for a tiny tooth.
- OVERLY POSITIVE PEOPLE: Will be fined. Heavily.
- WESTMINSTER: will stop using tax payers’ money to eat and drink. Take a Tupperware lunch and spiked coffee in a thermos like everybody else.
- ROADWORKS: will need to get written permission from everyone who is planning to use that road before commencing. No exceptions.
- INLAND REVENUE: any money given back to the tax payer due to an error on your part will include interest and a ‘We’re sorry’ card. Flowers would be a nice touch too.
- TOASTMASTER JUDGES: will need to have entered 100 competitions (and lost at least 50) to be able to ‘judge’ what we competitors go through.
Toastmasters and honoured friends, enough is enough! This year remind yourself YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH, ditch those stupid NYR and replace them with a list for those who ARE NOT.
Have a great 2023.